It is often said that the subconscious mind is active while we sleep, and also till we attain the age of 6 or 7.When our conscious mind takes over the sub conscious mind ,we slowly tend to forget incidents what happened in only days of childhood.
However I do not think certain sensory memories,would ever be forgotten. Such as our first touch, I think the first person blood related to us who would have had the pride of holding us in his arms and planting that gentle kiss on our cheeks, cupped our small soft hand in his hands,and passed over the happiness, love and warmth and reassurance of safety on the day we were born and introduced to this world would have been none other than our FATHER/DAD/APPA/NAINA.
It is this special bonding and feeling, what gets registered in our subconscious mind that we carry forward throughout our life.To feel safe and secure in the presence of our dad.We always feel that he is the super hero in our life who can chase away thousands of Goliaths, fight against windmills, carry us across seven hills and mountains.And the only person who would stand by our side at all times and cry out aloud and say to this world without any fear or inhibition,you may say what ever you feel like but " I know what my child is!"
Well, while I grew up, they had been thousands and millions of such incidents of receiving a hug a kiss from my dear dad.
When I was around 6 I used to walk with my dad side by side DAD used to slowdown to match my pace,to make sure i do not tumble with fast steps my left hand cupped in his right,tightly so that the option of freeing myself from his grip was absolutely zero.But his hold told I was his proud possession .the warmth of his palms transferred a feeling of security and instilled fearlessness.
When i was 10 years old I was walking with my dad,this time he was maintaining his pace I was lagging behind making fast strides to match his speed, I was still holding his hands,his right little finger was left out for me to hold with my left hand,this time the option to stick on was with me to let him go, but this time Appa's touch and hold told me I was growing up that I was to match the expectation of a fast moving world,it said he was confident that he can let me lose my way and I would find back home.
I was 18 years just blooming into a nice young girl,and walking along side appa, to seek admission into a college,maintaining a close distance between us,when ever he sighted some piercing eyes following me,he gently put his arms around my shoulder to secure me and also send a message,keep away "she is my daughter " his touch this time conveyed his love and possesivness.
when I was 27 I was married,Appa was holding my hands to be given off to my husband, I could feel a slight shiver and tension in his touch a feeling of joy and sadness. Joy at the pretext of getting me married,sadness that I would not belong to him wholly.
Days passed by years of aging started showing up more on Appa and less on me, his first illness came 14 years back in the form of a massive cardiac arrest, this time I was travelling with DAD , escorting him to the Hospital, the journey was long, I was holding appa's hand with mine,with every bump his hold would tighten conveying that the pain was intolerable,but his tightening grip said he was in safe hands and he would live.
There had been incidences of appa falling sick frequently,every time appa was into the hospital ,his children stood around him,each one showing their love and admiration for him in their own way, We sat by his side holding his hands,he said our touch healed him and he drew his strength and desire to live with hands holding him reassuring that he would recover.
I heard that dad was sick again, I reached home with expectations to see him,touch him and hear his voice. DAD remained in a sleeping posture on his cot an eternal peace had descended on his face and he looked serene and blissful, he had already left us. Any amount of wailing from us did not make him stir even once,we tried to embrace him and hug him. Appa was still warm which told us that it was not too long ago that he had started his new journey or he just wanted to save his last warmth to share it with his loving children.
Dad's time to start his last journey was drawing close,i was holding appas hands FOR THE LAST TIME, this time appa's hands was cold,and heavy,a reciprocation to meet our heavy grieving heart a sign of communicating his sadness for leaving us.
Now its almost five Months gone,without appas presence and his loving touch,i talk and communicate more with him ,there are so many things to tell him and share with him,which were missed when he was alive, i know that the air that i inhale has traces of appas breath,the sofa,chairs and bed would have retained a tinge of his fragrance,the roads and streets and soil around us would have been touched by him,Appa has become omnipresent,I can see him in every thing around me and of course saved his last touch for ever.
However I do not think certain sensory memories,would ever be forgotten. Such as our first touch, I think the first person blood related to us who would have had the pride of holding us in his arms and planting that gentle kiss on our cheeks, cupped our small soft hand in his hands,and passed over the happiness, love and warmth and reassurance of safety on the day we were born and introduced to this world would have been none other than our FATHER/DAD/APPA/NAINA.It is this special bonding and feeling, what gets registered in our subconscious mind that we carry forward throughout our life.To feel safe and secure in the presence of our dad.We always feel that he is the super hero in our life who can chase away thousands of Goliaths, fight against windmills, carry us across seven hills and mountains.And the only person who would stand by our side at all times and cry out aloud and say to this world without any fear or inhibition,you may say what ever you feel like but " I know what my child is!"
Well, while I grew up, they had been thousands and millions of such incidents of receiving a hug a kiss from my dear dad.
When I was around 6 I used to walk with my dad side by side DAD used to slowdown to match my pace,to make sure i do not tumble with fast steps my left hand cupped in his right,tightly so that the option of freeing myself from his grip was absolutely zero.But his hold told I was his proud possession .the warmth of his palms transferred a feeling of security and instilled fearlessness.
When i was 10 years old I was walking with my dad,this time he was maintaining his pace I was lagging behind making fast strides to match his speed, I was still holding his hands,his right little finger was left out for me to hold with my left hand,this time the option to stick on was with me to let him go, but this time Appa's touch and hold told me I was growing up that I was to match the expectation of a fast moving world,it said he was confident that he can let me lose my way and I would find back home.
I was 18 years just blooming into a nice young girl,and walking along side appa, to seek admission into a college,maintaining a close distance between us,when ever he sighted some piercing eyes following me,he gently put his arms around my shoulder to secure me and also send a message,keep away "she is my daughter " his touch this time conveyed his love and possesivness.
when I was 27 I was married,Appa was holding my hands to be given off to my husband, I could feel a slight shiver and tension in his touch a feeling of joy and sadness. Joy at the pretext of getting me married,sadness that I would not belong to him wholly.
Days passed by years of aging started showing up more on Appa and less on me, his first illness came 14 years back in the form of a massive cardiac arrest, this time I was travelling with DAD , escorting him to the Hospital, the journey was long, I was holding appa's hand with mine,with every bump his hold would tighten conveying that the pain was intolerable,but his tightening grip said he was in safe hands and he would live.
There had been incidences of appa falling sick frequently,every time appa was into the hospital ,his children stood around him,each one showing their love and admiration for him in their own way, We sat by his side holding his hands,he said our touch healed him and he drew his strength and desire to live with hands holding him reassuring that he would recover.
I heard that dad was sick again, I reached home with expectations to see him,touch him and hear his voice. DAD remained in a sleeping posture on his cot an eternal peace had descended on his face and he looked serene and blissful, he had already left us. Any amount of wailing from us did not make him stir even once,we tried to embrace him and hug him. Appa was still warm which told us that it was not too long ago that he had started his new journey or he just wanted to save his last warmth to share it with his loving children.
Dad's time to start his last journey was drawing close,i was holding appas hands FOR THE LAST TIME, this time appa's hands was cold,and heavy,a reciprocation to meet our heavy grieving heart a sign of communicating his sadness for leaving us.
Now its almost five Months gone,without appas presence and his loving touch,i talk and communicate more with him ,there are so many things to tell him and share with him,which were missed when he was alive, i know that the air that i inhale has traces of appas breath,the sofa,chairs and bed would have retained a tinge of his fragrance,the roads and streets and soil around us would have been touched by him,Appa has become omnipresent,I can see him in every thing around me and of course saved his last touch for ever.
Wow!Super amma!
ReplyDeletemaa ..ur writing speaks for itself and I too can picture the endless moments u have cherished with thatha..
ReplyDelete